On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
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Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.