Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

I would like even faster food.

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza