On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.