On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
You Might Also Like
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.