On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
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Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Overindulged this afternoon.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
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