On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
