On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
ugh not again
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Can’t. Being lazy.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Self-cleaning conscience
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
