On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
what’s really going on
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
