Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos

Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics

the official breakfast of 2021

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]