Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

the three genders

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God