On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
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mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep