Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

Never mess with a drunken pig.

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE