on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”