on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
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[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Today’s Times
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
the last thing a carrot sees
