On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
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me: I鈥檓 sorry, it鈥檚 over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
how do y鈥檃ll walk in shallow water
Sounds like a real hoot.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we鈥檙e avoiding at the grocery store
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃槄馃ぃ馃檴馃き馃槀馃槀馃ぃ馃槄馃ぃ馃槀馃槄馃ゲ馃ぃ馃槀馃槄馃き馃檴馃ゲ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃槀馃憦馃憦馃憦馃憦
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT鈥橲 AN EMERGENCY OK
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn鈥檛 take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I鈥檝e never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I鈥檝e asked.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before