On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
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A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.