Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.