Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

😂😂😂😂😂😂

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

Joseph Smith, 1833

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

Good morning.

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?