On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
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Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
You don’t even know
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Good morning.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.