On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
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when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
🤣🤣💀
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.