On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
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My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.