On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
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I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
The three genders
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Childbirth is so beautiful
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
it is time once again
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
😂 amazing answer
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
*pronounces fake like saké*
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.