Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

The internet is full of many things

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]