On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
![]()
You Might Also Like
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
![]()
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work