[on my way back to the posting caves]
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A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
The real reason evolution started..😂
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
They’re called werewolves.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome