On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
