On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
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Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Autocorrect completely socks
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house