On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Thank heavens for community notes
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
*watches the world burn*
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
