On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
