On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I think about this a lot
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
