“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
You Might Also Like
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
What a year we’ve had this week.
This kid will have a bright future.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.