“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
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Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”