On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
You Might Also Like
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children