On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
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A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
#Caturday
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
blocked.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
The best shot in the history of golf
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.