Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

I hate my earbuds.

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.