On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
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Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The Sun
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”