On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
You Might Also Like
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*