Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.