On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.