On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
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Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
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Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram