On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
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[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Think I pulled my liver
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
