on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
