on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
This is me
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
