On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
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7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
pelicons
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.