On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
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Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Only Americans understand
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
My dad.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok