On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
God tier horse name today on the sims
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
🤣🤣🤣
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
