On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Mood.. 😂
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
When your man makes a valid point
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
