On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
