On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
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[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.