on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
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on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.