on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
You Might Also Like
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken