[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
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Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????