Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud