Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

yes, those are my real potatoes.

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january

son: I don’t care, you dumb baby!

daughter: I’m not a dumb baby, you’re a dumb baby!

me: hey!!! what have I told you guys?!?

son & daughter: all babies are dumb so it’s redundant

me: thank you!

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier