Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

The pen is writier than the sword.

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

can you read it!!??

maan!

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend