*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
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There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.