Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

I can’t wait!

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks