*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.![]()
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Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
im gay on my mothers side
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Old old old old old west
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Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT