(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
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My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Trains are just sideway elevators.