[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
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spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars