Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

I’m listening

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano