Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

on da cob, we all corn

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

Nose

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.