[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.