[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
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Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
My neck my back my allergy attack
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway