[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
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me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…