Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

Hmmmmmmm….

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people