Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?