[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
There is wisdom there.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
