[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
