[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
