[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
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I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Woke up against my better judgment again
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
i prefer mine room temperature.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’