[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
☺️
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
