Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses