Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

Natty or not?

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far