Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.