@Ygrene

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

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@ObscureGent

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

@liv_thatsme

There are so many scary things in life:
-fear
-hate
-murder
-injustice
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”

@fro_vo

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok

@christine_p_33

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

@Lisabug74

My life long dream is to open a dominatrix theme Thai restaurant called

Thai Me Up.

@mattytalks

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

@bngzyface

[dermatologist office]

*Gets mole removed*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

@VeggieMonger

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.