[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
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Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
We’ve all been there
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college