[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
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Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
In banana years, I am bread.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.