Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Awwwww shit.

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.