Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination