ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
i can’t wait that long
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
gentlemen, hear me out
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.